I believe the next line goes...."but now I'm 33, and it isn't me." Well, I'm 32, so close enough. I have been thinking a lot lately about something Adam Duritz said on a radio interview. He was asked to give advice to some of the young people just starting out in the industry and trying succeed with their music. I don't remember word for word what he said...but the message he got across will stay with me forever. He said that he can't give advice for success...he said that you shouldn't do it to "make it," you should do it because you've decided that you have to live your life playing music.
What he says is right. One day you will be 17, and everything will seem so possible...and the next you will be 32 living minute by minute and just praying for a second of calm and peace so you can search in the archives of your dreams and try to hang on to what's left. I did that and not only is some of my life just unfulfilling, but a lot of it is flat out miserable. I don't want to be a downer. I never have considered myself a downer at all. I am just waking up and realizing that I haven't been doing what Adam says....and the weird part is, I couldn't agree with him more! I don't mean I want to be a famous musician, I guess it's different for everyone. For me, I just want to be able to make my passions my life. Why waste days just dreaming about what you want to do? When in life do you start to do them? It's not selfish. It's not wrong. If you are happy, then you must be living that way already. You are spending your life the way you want to. If you find yourself wishing you could be doing something else and dreading almost everyday...then you aren't doing it. You aren't deciding that you have to live your life doing what you love.
If only I could......
....play my guitar a lot more. The overwhelming feeling of happiness when I play a song on my guitar is incredible. I want to get better and better and better! I've gone as far as I can teaching myself, so I think for the more difficult chords and picking, I should take lessons. Then I just want to play for fun, maybe do some open mic nights with confidence and "jam" with my family and friends.
.....finish the screenplay I am writing. Even if it never gets picked up by by a production company, even if it never becomes anything other than a Lee family table read.....so be it! It's finished in my head, but not even a quarter of the way finished on paper! It has it all...love, controversy, music, art.....in my opinion...the idea is brilliant. :)
.....write a book. This is a long process, and I have already started. To me, the research is very important, so that's where I am at with it now. I have enough material and notes to complete it, but it hasn't become real to me until the past month. I just needed that little push that I apparently got a month and a half ago, so from then on, it's been a go in my head. I just haven't had the time to completely start. I don't have a degree in literature or creative writing and my bachelor's degree may be in business...but my passion is in the arts. It's a memoir focusing mainly on the last year and a half of my life. This one's hard though. I would have never considered writing a personal memoir and expecting people to actually read and enjoy it, until the last year and a half. I now truly believe that it would definitely be something to be read. It's hard, because I don't want to burn any bridges, but what I know to be my truth this past year is more than most people know about me and about my life. I want to write it for myself mostly. My brother is really the more creative and talented writer in the family, not me, but I think I could manage to do it. I want to do it.
..... not have an 8-5 job. I love the people I work for and I give 110% at my job, but I feel likes it's washing away all my dreams. I couldn't be luckier to have such a wonderful boss and life-long friends at my job, but it's the unfulfilling part that I mentioned above. I feel so badly even saying this, because when I am at work, I strive to be the best and my goal is to reach the top, but when I really am truthful with myself...I feel that I deserve to live my passion...and lead an artistic life.
..... do arts and crafts and enter the local craft fairs every fall with my mom and sisters, as my job . We call our group, Home Sweet Home. Nothing feels better than that time of year. It's just always so jammed packed given the fact that we all have jobs and other obligations. We always end up stressing and not having as much fun as deserved! I wish I had the time to really embrace my "trapeze paper craft" idea and turn it into a real business in collaboration with my mom and sisters and their respective crafts. To open up a shop is a dream too far out of reach financially right now, but I want the time to be able to build a business online....that I know is possible. I want Home Sweet Home to become my job.
.....start my creative blog. I have an idea for a blog that I really want to do. It would be based on entertainment that I'm passionate about. It would start with one thing and who knows, maybe start a saga of blogs in the future!
....live out my dream, because as most of my family and friends know...I loved playing softball. I have recently discovered that my love for coaching greatly exceeds ever playing. I coach ponytail softball.....but just like the crafts, most of the fun is over shadowed by the stress of not having enough time in my schedule to fully enjoy it. I love coaching and want to do more of it!
To spend your life doing what you love will take sacrifice. I know we all have a "bucket list," but this is about more than visiting the Grand Canyon, sky diving or traveling Europe....it's about deciding that you HAVE to live your life doing what you love. I have decided...and now I just need the courage.