With the greatest of ease....

I have been thinking a lot about a book I recently read.  It's called The Night Circus.  For some reason, I'm just extremely intrigued by circus novels, circus movies and anything circus related.  It's not because I have a love for acrobats or elephants.  It's the vintage stories that are behind those involved with a circus that are so mysterious and enchanting.  My favorite musician, Patty Griffin, said that the circus her parents took her to when she was a child, really left an impression on her, so much that she wrote a song about it...called "Trapeze."  Though I don't have any significant memories of attending a circus....there's definitely an impression left in my heart after reading The Night Circus. 

The book wasn't at all what I expected it to be.  It's an amazingly creative story about two remarkable people who not only fall in love...but the collaboration of their incredible minds create the most amazing circus you could ever imagine.  This circus isn't a "big top" type circus.  It's more like something that you would only imagine in a complex, but wonderful, dream.  The way the author described each tent and every detail involved, is beyond anything I have ever created in my mind.

The author describes everything so well, that you can literally imagine your self inside the black and white striped tents, while smelling caramel corn and hot apple cider.   Everything about the circus is black and white...the tents, the costumes and clothing, the props....everything, which I absolutely love.  Even with two of the simplest of colors, the author was still able to create such a dazzling picture in your mind of how this amazing circus appeared.

I actually imagined myself at the anniversary party at the mansion where everything was perfect and artistic...and full of color.  The bright, vibrant and beautiful colors exploding in my head, while reading that chapter were so much more extreme and real, because of the fact that the circus is always black and white.  This chapter was such a delight to read and just took me on a mesmerizing journey of enchantment in my head.  It was my favorite chapter.

To be an actual part of the reveurs...now that would be amazing!  They were basically circus followers, on a sophisticated scale.  They weren't like "panic people," who show up barefoot with dreads desperate to get into the gates.  They were respectable, Le Cirque des Reves loving people who followed it by location, through letters and stories.  To be a reveur, I imagine, would be to live a lifetime of adventure, excitement, art and beauty.  And to be able to share those passions with other people across the world would be wonderful.  It makes me want to paint my bedroom walls with black and white stripes and knit myself a crimson scarf. 

The relationship between Celia and the twins, Poppet and Widget, was probably my favorite part of the book.  Because, while Celia and Marco had "teachers" for the game that they were raised and trained to play....Celia was, in a way, the twins' teacher, with drastically opposite intentions.  She looked out for them, and they became one of the biggest reasons why Celia actually loved the "venue" in which she was destined to destroy the one she loved, or be destroyed in. 

I think that imagination is really what pulled everything together at the end of this heart wrenching, riveting story.  Most people only believe what they know to be true and their  imagination will only take them so far, until it becomes too unreal.  The collaborative imagination of Celia and Marco not only created this marvelous circus, but the epic love that they have for one another ultimately becomes the circus.

When I was 17, I had a better dream...

I believe the next line goes...."but now I'm 33, and it isn't me."  Well, I'm 32, so close enough.  I have been thinking a lot lately about something Adam Duritz said on a radio interview.  He was asked to give advice to some of the young people just starting out in the industry and trying succeed with their music.  I don't remember word for word what he said...but the message he got across will stay with me forever.  He said that he can't give advice for success...he said that you shouldn't do it to "make it," you should do it because you've decided that you have to live your life playing music. 
What he says is right.  One day you will be 17, and everything will seem so possible...and the next you will be 32 living minute by minute and just praying for a second of calm and peace so you can search in the archives of your dreams and try to hang on to what's left.  I did that and not only is some of my life just unfulfilling, but a lot of it is flat out miserable.  I don't want to be a downer.  I never have considered myself a downer at all.  I am just waking up and realizing that I haven't been doing what Adam says....and the weird part is, I couldn't agree with him more!  I don't mean I want to be a famous musician, I guess it's different for everyone.  For me, I just want to be able to make my passions my life.  Why waste days just dreaming about what you want to do?  When in life do you start to do them?  It's not selfish.  It's not wrong.   If you are happy, then you must be living that way already.  You are spending your life the way you want to.  If you find yourself wishing you could be doing something else and dreading almost everyday...then you aren't doing it.  You aren't deciding that you have to live your life doing what you love.

If only I could......
....play my guitar a lot more.  The overwhelming feeling of happiness when I play a song on my guitar is incredible.  I want to get better and better and better!  I've gone as far as I can teaching myself, so I think for the more difficult chords and picking, I should take lessons.   Then I just want to play for fun, maybe do some open mic nights with confidence and "jam" with my family and friends. 

.....finish the screenplay I am writing.  Even if it never gets picked up by by a production company, even if it never becomes anything other than a Lee family table read.....so be it!  It's finished in my head, but not even a quarter of the way finished on paper!  It has it all...love, controversy, music, art.....in my opinion...the idea is brilliant. :) 

.....write a book.  This is a long process, and I have already started.  To me, the research is very important, so that's where I am at with it now.  I have enough material and notes to complete it, but it hasn't become real to me until the past month.  I just needed that little push that I apparently got a month and a half ago, so from then on, it's been a go in my head. I just haven't had the time to completely start.  I don't have a degree in literature or creative writing and  my bachelor's degree may be in business...but my passion is in the arts. It's a memoir focusing mainly on the last year and a half of my life.  This one's hard though.  I would have never considered writing a personal memoir and expecting people to actually read and enjoy it, until the last year and a half.  I now truly believe that it would definitely be something to be read.  It's hard, because I don't want to burn any bridges, but what I know to be my truth this past year is more than most people know about me and about my life. I want to write it for myself mostly.  My brother is really the more creative and talented writer in the family, not me, but I think I could manage to do it.  I want to do it. 

 ..... not have an 8-5 job.  I love the people I work for and I give 110% at my job, but I feel likes it's washing away all my dreams.  I couldn't be luckier to have such a wonderful boss and life-long friends at my job, but it's the unfulfilling part that I mentioned above.  I feel so badly even saying this, because when I am at work, I strive to be the best and my goal is to reach the top, but when I really am truthful with myself...I feel that I deserve to live my passion...and lead an artistic life. 

..... do arts and crafts and enter the local craft fairs every fall with my mom and sisters, as my job .  We call our group, Home Sweet Home.  Nothing feels better than that time of year.  It's just always so jammed packed given the fact that we all have jobs and other obligations.  We always end up stressing and not having as much fun as deserved!  I wish I had the time to really embrace my "trapeze paper craft" idea and turn it into a real business in collaboration with my mom and sisters and their respective crafts. To open up a shop is a dream too far out of reach financially right now, but I want the time to be able to build a business online....that I know is possible.   I want Home Sweet Home to become my job. 

.....start my creative blog. I have an idea for a blog that I really want to do.  It would be based on entertainment that I'm passionate about.  It would start with one thing and who knows, maybe start a saga of blogs in the future! 

....live out my dream, because as most of my family and friends know...I loved playing softball.  I have recently discovered that my love for coaching greatly exceeds ever playing.  I coach ponytail softball.....but just like the crafts, most of the fun is over shadowed by the stress of not having enough time in my schedule to fully enjoy it.  I love coaching and want to do more of it!

To spend your life doing what you love will take sacrifice.  I know we all have a "bucket list," but this is about more than visiting the Grand Canyon, sky diving or traveling Europe....it's about deciding that you HAVE to live your life doing what you love.  I have decided...and now I just need the courage.

Little Sister, just remember.....

Just a few days ago, my little sister, Brianna, came to visit me in SF!  When the world seems so impossible to face and you find yourself living minute by minute, it was so nice to have something to look forward to for once! 

Being new to San Francisco myself, and lets face it, still intimidated, I wanted to make sure that I planned everything out perfectly for us while she was here.  I knew that we had 2 main things to focus on when it comes to indulging in our jam packed, short visit.  Great food and shopping!  So, that's what we did!

Here are some pictures to tell the story of her visit.  I had a blast and I miss her already.

Her first night here...we went to OffTheGrid in SF! My sweet cousin, Amelia recommended it.   It was so fun!  It's basically the most delicious food you will ever eat.  It's a huge open space outside with tons of food trucks and live music.  We loved it!



Here we are in front of a cupcake food truck.  I know I'm a cupcake girl...and these were delish!  I want a Tootsie Tillie truck now!



Here we are with Amelia waiting in line for the most amazing steamed buns filled with pork and veggies!!!  Oh so good!

The greatest taco in the world!  Pork with spicy sauce and crunchy pickled veggies! YUM!

We did a whole day of shopping at Haight/Ashbury.  It was so fun going into all the vintage stores and finding cool souvenirs.  We started the day with a big breakfast at Mel's Drive-In, then hit the shops!

I love the area here.  We shopped all day long!

It wouldn't be Haight without the hippies playing music on the sidewalks.  I love it!

We almost bought some vintage bowling shirts in here for Bri.  It was a true vintage store and so cool....but a little pricey!

Saturday night we went to one of my dream restaurants, El Paseo.  It's Tyler Florence's restaurant in Mill Valley, CA.  We got dressed up and went to dinner there.  That town is so charming and dinner was delicious.

Ready for dinner at El Paseo!

My beautiful Bont!  (I call her Bont or Bonte')  We had great seats at El Paseo.  Bri had the chicken over potatoes, I had the fillet mignon wrapped in bacon with shallots and David had the halibut. 

We split the pecan pie.  It was melt-in-your-mouth delicious!!

This started off my FAVORITE DAY...Wine Country day!  Here we are on the shuttle.  We got a package deal.  We boarded the shuttle at the ferry building in SF and rode it to Napa Valley, where we visited 4 wineries.  It's seriously been a dream of mine to visit Napa and we finally did!  It was the best day ever!!

Neither of us really planned to drink, so we did a tasting at the first winery and then the rest of the day we enjoyed the gorgeous scenery, shopped in the huge gift shop, and ate the most delicious gourmet cheeses and catered lunch!  

Lunch was at Andretti Winery.  We sat in the vineyard and enjoyed the perfect weather and tasty meal.

I am so obsessed with wine country.  It's very Mediterranean and lovely.  Everywhere you look, there are vineyards and gorgeous Spanish style houses and barns.  I want to go back so bad!



We never did try a grape, but took lots of pictures!

I saw this photo opp and though it was very beautiful. 

Here's a collage I made of some pictures from our day.  So pretty!

We really had such an amazing time in Napa Valley and will remember it forever! 



Mario Andretti's winery.  So lovely.




We spent a couple hours in downtown Sausalito one day and had these yummy burgers for lunch!




Flour + Water...a trendy restaurant in San Francisco with an amazing chef!  Delicious!! 




Our last day...shopping at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco.  What a wonderful time we had and I'm so glad she came to visit.  I didn't want her to leave!  I hope we have lots more fun times like this. :)



He asks me to hang on....

Hang on, just hang on for a minute, I've got something to say.  I'm not asking you to move on or forget it, but these are better days.  To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace.  But, to be loved like a song you remember....even when you've changed. 

Tell me.  Did I go on a tangent?  Did I lie through my teeth?  Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?  Did I bring shame on my family?  Did it show when I was weak?  Whatever you've seen....that wasn't me.

When you're lost, you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust.  And...you'll hide from your god like he ever turns his back on us.  Then you'll fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife.....and you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life. 

But, I want you to know that you'll never be alone. I want to believe.  Did I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet?  When you fall, I will get you on your feet.  Did I spend time with my family?  Did it show when I was weak?  When that's what you see....that will be me. 

Over the Golden Gate Bridge..and straight to Parnassus

The phone rang at around 12pm on May 26th, while we were having a lazy Saturday in Sausalito.  It was Dr. Roberts....the head of transplant surgery at UCSF.  He was calling to offer David a liver!!  I'll just say that the next 18 days were altogether amazing.  With a12 hour,  record breaking transplant surgery and a second re-exploration surgery a week later....I can happily say that my husband is cancer free with a healthy liver and a new chance at life!  Although my life isn't exactly what it seems to our family and incredible friends and supporters....the important truth is that David got his transplant.  He did have complications due to all his previous surgeries, but is now recovering better everyday.  We know he's at risk for rejection, as all transplant patients are, but we have faith that he will get through the first 3 months, which is the riskiest time, and that he will go on and live his life as a healthy and happy person.  My truth is all I know...and what I know is that I love him with all of my heart, I was scared out of my mind on more than one occasion during his 18 day hospital stay and that San Francisco will always be the place where my world changed forever.

Waited for you, but you never came around at all....

It's been almost 3 months that David has been #1 on the AB list for his transplant and that we have been relocated....and still no call!!  It's actually sad when you think about the fact that we are basically waiting for someone to die, so David can live, but that is exactly the case.  We have been through the nervousness of imposing on his Aunt and Uncle, in their home for an unknown length of time.... and through the "making the best of our situation" phase, where we have explored (frugally) different parts of Marin County and San Francisco....to the place where are now, which is impatient and more than ready for the damn call!  His Aunt and Uncle have been so gracious and more than hospitable.  We eat great, have fun playing a lot of tennis (when David feels up to it) and have the best tour guides San Francisco can offer us!  They have been absolutely wonderful....but I think they are more than ready for the call, too.  After all, the real tough part is going to be while he's in the hospital, and the month recovery time at their house.....and then the rest of his life.  It's like we are waiting for things to get harder and tougher. 

To quote one of the transplant social workers...."You have a long road ahead, so you should stop worrying about the little things in your life and get ready to face big obstacles to come."  Thanks...thanks a lot...that makes us feel great.  Bitch.   I cried 3 times in the transplant class that we had to attend.  David and I were in a room full of 60 + year olds who all looked very sick.  It was sad...and scary.  David still looks healthy and he is on the cancer side of liver disease, as opposed to the "alcoholic" side, so everyone there thought we were just there to learn for someone else...when in reality, the healthy looking 32 year old sitting amongst them is waiting for that life-altering phone call, just like them.  The reality and life-changing events that will go on are enough to depress anyone, but when the social worker said those words to us...I just broke down.  What an insensitive woman.  I mean I understand a doctor having that kind of bluntness and attitude...but she's a social worker!!   Luckily, she isn't David's social worker.  She's one of several that they have, but David's is nicer and more understanding to everything.  I felt like this other, rude one was just treating us like a statistic.  Maybe she should re-think her field of work!  David has already been through 2 major liver resections in his life, so we are somewhat prepared for the surgery side of things, but the danger and risk that is involved is something that I can't let myself think about.  And, thereafter, he will be on anti-rejection drugs (as any transplanted person has to be) for the rest of his life.  It's just hard to face that....and I'm sure so much harder for him.  This illness has really affected him and I hope that after all is said and done...he, well we, come out of this better than ever.  It's hard to be positive...but we can still hope.

She carved out a little life of her own....

My great friend, Sarah, and her wonderful husband, Paul, just welcomed their first child to the world on May 14th!  He is so adorable and I can't wait to meet him in real life.  Little Axxel Herbert is extremely blessed to have those two as his parents.  People come along in your life, every once in a while, that just leave such an impression in your heart...and that's Sarah and Paul. 

Sarah has been such an incredible friend to me.  I've never known anyone like her.  She is so real and has the biggest heart.  She hasn't had it easy all her life and still has to work at relationships that most of us have effortlessly. It breaks my heart to think of it.  It saddens me to see her get burned by people that should love her unconditionally. There's a song that reminds me so much of Sarah...It's called "Sweet Lorraine" by Patty Griffin.  So, I will just say...."it gets harder and harder to believe in magic...when what came before you is, so very tragic"......but somehow Sarah Lu still believes...and does it with such grace.

With that said...and on the brighter side of things, I'm so glad that her and Paul found each other.  He's her family...him and Axxel.  They are two lucky guys to have been blessed with such a wonderful wife and mother.  I've also had the priveledge of getting to know Paul's two little sisters....and they are absolute delights!  I love that they love Sarah so much, too.  What a wonderful family. : )

I'm just happy for Sarah and Paul and their new baby boy, Axxel.  I've seen a few pictures, and he's absolutely precious!  I'm looking forward to the day I get to visit him.   I can't even say where I'd be after this past year, without Sarah in my life....she's the very definition of best friend.

Sarah and I...all smiles!

Here we are again.... : )

Sarah with her wonderful mother in law, Julie and two sisters in law, Alex and Crystal. :)

Missing Mother's Day...

So...as you know, yesterday was Mother's Day.  I was around no mothers.  :(  The worst part of the day was not being around MY mother.  A normal Mother's Day in our family, is a BBQ at my parent's house with all my siblings and Grandpa and Sally (Grandpa's lady....who I love love love!) and my in-laws.  We make lots of food and spoil my mom with all kinds of fun stuff she doesn't need, but loves to have!  It's so much fun.  Instead, this Mother's Day was kind of gloomy.  David and I are still in California and my sister, Ginger was sick, my brother Robby was sick and going out of town and my sister Bri was sick.  Yuck!  I am glad that Bri was able to be home with my mom though.  My dad was also there and they ended up having a small get together with my Grandpa, Sally and in-laws, Sonna and Bob.  So, David and I were happy that our Mothers got to spend their day together.  It made us feel closer to them somehow.

I always feel mixed emotions on Mother's Day.  On one hand, I am so full of love for having the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!  On top of that...my little sister is now a mom and I can't be happier about that!!  The fact that I'm not a mom is a little depressing to me.  I want so badly to be a mom.  I know I'd be a great mom, because of how great my mom is and I just love my little nephew so much, so I know I'd be great with kids.  My husband was once told by someone that Mother's Day is more than just a celebration of Mothers.  It's kind of like a day reserved for the special, most important women in your life.  Your wife and your mom.  He surprised me and got me a lovely card.  I loved that.  It was very sweet.  Maybe one day I will get one from my son or daughter, too.




This is my pretty Momma!!!

 

My little sis, Ginger and her son Brayden when he was a few months old.
 (We call him Brady...and he's almost 18 months now!) 



There's a piece of Maria, in every song that I sing.....

When I was 17...I had my whole life ahead of me, and I dreamed of it often.  Most of my future thoughts were of college, but some were beyond that.  It was easy to dream and back then, the life I saw in my day dreams seemed so possible.  My absolute favorite times were on the late bus, coming home from an away basketball game.  It would be dark and calm, the routiness would have just calmed down from the win earlier in the night, and all we would have is a 2 hour drive home in the Arizona night.  That's when my best friend, Maria, and I would talk about our "plans" .....our plans for the future.  You see, she and I were inseparable in high school and we just clicked from the moment we met.  She ALWAYS looked out for me and I feel like I always did the same for her.  She was more outgoing than me, and I think it really helped me to open up and come out of my shell more.  We loved to talk about all of the things that high school girls do, of course, but we also talked about so much more!  We told each other everything and it was just an incredible bond.  On these late night bus trips, our topic of conversation was about anything and everything.  The conversation usually led to food and the future mostly. Ha!  Our talks ranged from planning our monthly spa weekends when we graduated college and about the collabrotive book we would write after we reached our goals and conquered the world, to the way a tomato sandwich was so simple, but so delicious and how we'd kill for one after such an intense, draining night of basketball. We'd talk about how we would go to college, have amazing careers and buy houses next door to each other and be best friends forever.  We'd devise plans on how I would get Mr. "teacher" to dance with me at prom and how she'd talk her parents into letting her go to prom.  No matter what...the conversation was always fun, and always gave me a warm fuzzy.  I'd tell her all the stories of my "teacher crush," and no matter what, she would always listen and say something back that would make me feel....hopeful....and hopeful to a 17 year old girl with a crush on her teacher was the greatest feeling to have!  She would predict that I would go on and play college softball and that she would travel the world  and then become a pharmacist.  There was always something so organic and artisitic about her.....I would have predicted her to become a a writer or an artist.  (She is an amazing artist now by the way).  I love how she was ahead of her time, but an old soul at the same time...and just an incredible friend.  A lot of people probably don't remember that her and I were such great friends, but I do and I remember that we were so inspired and upbeat when we got around each other...that we thought we could change the world. 

That was in 1997 and 1998...such a long time ago, but I can still smell the school bus and see the Arizona mountains breezing by me in the dark.  Somedays, it feels like it was yesterday.  I can still remember what it feels like to have such a wonderful friend in my life.  Life didn't turn out quite the way we expected and infact, we hardly ever see each other at all.  She's in North Carolina and I'm in Arizona.  We aren't rich, we don't live next door to each other and we never did write that book.  But, I must say...there's still such a warmth and kindness that exudes from her everytime we talk or write.  Back in 2002, when I was away at college in Tennessee....I was going through a pretty rough patch with money, boyfriend problems and just all around stress.  She didn't know I was feeling this way, but still, somehow one day I received a care package full  ofyummy snacks, adorable stationary and $50.00.  It's like she telepathically knew I was down.  And now, 10 years later....thousands of miles away from each other, she did it again.  I'm going through a very hard time for several reasons, and today I received a care package from her.  She is so generous and selfless and just made me realize that even though life may be impossible to face sometimes....there are always the people there that care for you the most.....the ones that are there in good times and in bad and the ones that will forever remain your very best friend.

This is us our senior year...a few days after graduation.

Our favorite time of year....Basketball season.

Dreaming of Cupcakes....

I have a small cupcake business that started out as a hobby.  My mom designed my website and I took a couple months testing recipes and creating my variety of cupcakes.  Soon enough, I had orders from friends and co-workers almost every week and eventually started getting orders from my website and facebook page!  My flavors are unique and have significant names....and I must say, they are all pretty tasty! 

My most popular flavors are definitely Nolan's Strawberry Patch and Kevee's Peanut Butter Chocolate.  I get constant requests for those two flavors.  Since I'm temporarily relocated to Sausalito, CA, I am not able to run my business.  I ran it locally at home and lets face it....my kitchen was not a pretty site on cupcake making nights.  I can't do that here....for so many reasons.  So, I just came to accept that I would have to place my business on hold for the time being and just use this time to come up with new flavors and recipes. 

Since I've been out here, my sister Ginger has been getting better and better at cookie making!  She's always been the top cookie maker in the family and she is actually making a little business out of it.  I cannot wait to be home, so we can have our businesses combine!  Me with cupcakes, and her with cookies!  It will be the family business we always wanted...(kind of). :)  My mom designs our websites and keeps them up and my sisters and I do the baking!  Maybe one day we can turn it into a full time job, with a store front and everything!  (I can still dream...)

Here's some pictures of my cupcakes....I can't wait until we meet again. :)

These were for Christmas.  They are David's Churro Cupcakes....(Named after my husband)

 I did a wedding for my good friend Jess....there were a variety of cupcakes all in her colors!

From Jess's wedding, these are Kevee's Peanut Butter Chocolate Cupcakes.  (Name after my brother-in-law)

More From Jess's wedding....these are David's Churro Cupcakes.

Nolan's Strawberry Patch Cupcakes....(named after my godson, Nolan)

More Kevee's Peanut Butter Chocolate Cupcakes, for a 1 year old's birthday party!

These are Mom's Favorite Cupcakes (Chocolate with Vanilla Buttercream, usually topped with crushed walnuts, but this customer wanted candy.)

These are my new item...Tiny Tootsies (Or Little Tillies)...These ones are Bean's Vanilla...(also named after my husband)

These were so fun to make!  They were for my father-in-law's brother's birthday.  They are hunting cupcakes made with a churro cupcake and topped with a vanilla cake ball covered in chocolate!  The antlers are pretzels and the rifles are chocolate!  My good friends Anita and Teresa helped me with these, and they came out great!

Superbowl Churro Cupcakes!

These are Robin's Triple Chocolate Fudge Cupcakes....(named after my great, long-time friend, Robin.)

Glo's Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes!  (Named after my good friend, and my little sister's best friend, Gloria)

This was an order for a graduation...as you can see.  They were made with Chocolate Peanut Butter cupcakes.  I used a mini reeses cup and chocoloate dipped graham crackers for the hats and sour licorice for the tassels!

More Tiny Tootsies!!

Terri's Chocolatey Heaven Cupcakes...with walnuts!  (named after my wonderful Aunt Terri)

These are one of my favorites....Jess's Chocolate Malt Cupcakes...(named after my best friend in the world...Jessica)